Honesty

"Do you really mean that?" The words just hung in the air, followed by silence. The kind of silence that no one enjoys. The click of the ceiling fan tried hopelessly to fill the void. We sat on the couch awkwardly trying to figure out what happens next. I'm sure this kind of thing is commonplace in most relationships, but the first time can be a little jarring. Little did I know, this would be the first of many. Nothing really prepares you for this kind of thing. Nothing really prepares you for this kind of pain. My parents tried their best to temper my expectations, but I've always been a stubborn child. The sunlight cast shadows across half of the room while illuminating the other. There on the couch lay my masterpiece, a crumpled shell of a human. Almost instinctively, I managed to lay waste to any sense of value she thought she possessed. I could see the tears starting to collect toward the bottom of her eyes. The dams of her eyelids, struggling to contain the inevitable. Honesty, I've found, is best doled out by the spoonful, rather than by the bucketfull. A moment of extreme honesty set the precedent for years to come. In that moment I realized the power I possessed. In that moment I realized I was a terrible person.

Hallelujah

We are the greatest pretenders
& the greatest liars
wearing our self righteousness
like an ill-fitting suit.
self serving opportunists
in servants' clothing.
our hypocrisy fits like a glove.
Come inside, there's always room for one more.

sticks and stones

woke up in a cold sweat
but I blamed it on the nightmares
her words
like razorblades
closely followed by hollow apologies.
my words
like marble
closely followed by lifeless acts
and we both pretend
that sticks and stones
can break our bones...

Failure -> Dream

Our dreams

are rarely our own

Rather

failures wrapped

in disappointment

passed down

from 

one

generation

to 

another

She is.

She wears grace like a crown

& beauty like a gown

She speaks with the voice of the sea

Constant

Refreshing

Steady

Her roots are deep

Her branches bend in the storms

Like a ballerina on a stage

Bending

Dancing

Never breaking

She wears forgiveness like a scar

& covers me in the glow

of her unrelenting heart

She is Love

She is.

Royalty

She stands with a statuesque resolve

In the eye of the tornado

jaw clenched

A violent grace

A pillar in the midst of chaos

The weight of a thousand lifetimes on her shoulders

She wears my failures with

a sense of royalty

She touches the darkest corners

of my soul 

they don't seem so dark

when she is here

I tell myself that I've never needed anyone

and never will

but lying to a liar is a risky proposition

stay together

Life was great
until it wasn't,
was,
and wasn't again.
confused
& bitter.
the clouds
give you a reason to look up,
while I give you a reason to look down.
either way
you're disappointed
& I'm disillusioned.
tomorrow's headache will remind me
of everything
I've left behind.

Dumpster Fire

brick by brick

we tear down

the life we created.

the life we asked for.

we were naive

I was naive

grace is a four letter word

and loyalty is extinct

how did we end up in this dumpster fire

who lit the match?

you smell like gasoline

I smell of regret.

heavy is the crown

I have nothing to offer you

except recycled pain.

damaged 

fragile &

pathetic

We toast to the future

and regret the past

but history repeats itself

and here we are.

Feign a smile

hide the tears

count the days

& dread the years.

You didn't earn this sentence

but you wear it well

You didn't earn this heartache

but you wear it well

self serving saints

I numb my face
with carefully rationed doses of poison
I pretend to be invisible
while you pretend to care
tiresome rhetoric
from self serving saints
everyone needs a hand
until they don't
fall in line
and take a number
I promise we'll get to you
and if we don't,
we'll be here again tomorrow.

Reach for the sky

The grass looks longingly up toward the oak tree
Its branches, towering fingers, stretching condescendingly into the sky
"You can do anything if you set your mind to it"
The oak tree bellows to the grass below
The grass stands a little taller
Until it realizes the gravity of the lie

Coming of Rage

I can feel you in the pit of my stomach

Lying in wait 

Feeding on failures

Devouring disappointments 

I can feel you in the pit of my stomach

Gathering strength

Swallowing sorrows 

Digesting despair

Until you are too strong

Or, perhaps I too weak

You've outgrown your chains

& grown into your fangs 

I have little to offer except my future. 

And I know how hungry you must be...

1992

I don’t want to feel my face

I don’t want to feel my faith

My guardian angels took a day off the summer of ‘92

I’ve been paying for it ever since

I’ve been running from it ever since

I know it’s unfair to stay angry

I know it’s unfair to stay lonely

I don’t know that I have a choice

I don’t know that I have a voice

Because darkness plays no favorites

And who am I to question?

Who am I to complain?

Who was I supposed to be?

And who have I become?

Whiskey

It makes liars out of honest men
& honest men out of liars.

It raises spirits
& drags them to new depths.

It is a revealer of character, yet not a judge.

Good to see you again my friend.